How to "Navigate the Scene"
I am writing this from my own
experience, having been in that "world" for 6 years and having a
resolution, although not the one I wanted. I also am in contact with
other people who have missing loved ones. The following is a list of things
that I see, looking back, that I wish I had known. They are also things
that I see still happening to people right now. So here goes....
Be Cautious to who you give your personal information
Just because a person joins searches
for your loved one doesn't mean they get automatic "family"
status. These people who so fervently insert themselves in your search
can be overbearing and manipulative. It can be their way of getting some
notoriety or getting to feel like they are contributing. The latter is
not so bad, but still, be careful. If they know too much about you, it starts
to crowd your personal life and give people access to places in your life they
haven't earned.
There is some sort of "war" going on between some
organizations that are supposed to be helping families
Stay away. If you have one
Organization Director bad mouthing another... don't join in. Your focus
should always be on your missing loved one and the facts. Period.
There are always people who want to poke holes in your story
Ignore them, and if they must have
an answer, simply explain to them, that the story will constantly change and
there is nothing you can do about it. People will always be giving you
good/bad information and as a family member looking for a loved one, you will
always want to check any info given. If someone else can't see the
confusion of that, they should just be ignored.
Don't feel like you have to post your loved one's info on
only one organization's site
You might feel like you
"owe" someone loyalty in your search. You don't. They are
in business to help you. If they make you feel indebted... then they are
not doing their job correctly. I can't stress this enough. There
are very many organizations out there and most work together, which is
wonderful. But they mostly all have a different hook. One org does
physical searches while another pays for them. One does Billboards and
another helps with emotional support, etc. They are all equally fantastic
and useful. So don't limit yourself out of a false sense of
loyalty. Again, your focus is not their comfort, it should be on your
loved one. They aren't going through the same thing as you are (well most of
them aren't). I mean, if YOU were in
their shoes, wouldn’t you want the family you are helping to get as much
exposure and assistance as possible?
Don't allow your information to be repeated in an untruthful
way
ALWAYS double check what an
organization or news story wants to post about your story before
printing. Press releases and Missing Person's posters should always
include the facts and be spelled correctly with proficient grammar. No
one will take a story seriously if a person can't take the time and respect
to get the information right. You are not required to allow anyone to
pass out incorrect information on your behalf. I had an instance where I
talked to a woman on the phone who wanted to do a “press release”… I
agreed to the facts, and she bent them to
meet her media goals. Then she created a
flyer that had my Mom’s name misspelled, the words were all over the
page and
the facts were very limited. When I
asked her to fix it, she treated me like I was being ungrateful. And I
fell for it…. Here is a link to the "press release" You can probably
see right away what I mean. http://helpfindallison.com/Catherine%20Marie%20Lique%20Poster%20-with%20Press%20release.pdf
My Mom was Catherine Lique she was 5'2". Also it was so blunt and brash
that it was hurtful to see. And just to clarify I was never worried
about it being a trucker serial killer.....
Do not, under any circumstances, allow an organization to “nominate”
you to be a volunteer for them
If you ask to be a volunteer, that
is fantastic and this world could do with more of you. But when you are
going through such a traumatic experience, the last thing you need to do on top
of that is have to feel like you have to go out and search for everyone
else. I know how harsh this sounds, so hear me out..... When you are
working a full time job and taking care of your family, all while looking for
your loved one, the last thing your heart needs is to be filled up with
everyone else' searches. It is one thing to be an advocate and get others
messages out. By all means, please and thank you. But to have to
physically exhaust yourself over someone else' "nomination" is unfair
and exploitative. Especially if you feel like you “owe” your service to them
because they have helped you. Remember,
they went into business to help people like you… They shouldn’t expect anything
from you. You need to focus on your
loved one.
Be gracious and kind without exhausting yourself
Folks need to be reassured that you
are thankful for their help. You don't need to shower them with accolades
or push their message to the media. A simple thank you is far more
easy for someone in your situation to deliver than a grand gesture such as
certificates, flowers and immense media coverage. It is exhausting and
true souls will understand that and be grateful that you aren't getting over
stressed to the point you can't focus on your loved one.
Give yourself a break
Not everyone is strong enough to
take on such an endeavor.... You probably already know what I mean. You
are probably the only person in your family fervently searching for your loved
one. I have been there. I used to be so hard on myself and so angry
at the rest of my family. Looking back, I had every right to be angry at
them, but not so hard on myself. But my anger didn't get me anywhere and
only made me feel worse. It didn't push any of them into action. Once
I was able to accept that, I wasn’t so hard on myself. Unfortunately, my acceptance happened after
my Mom was found. I wish I had thought
of it when I was searching.
Do not let an Organization director or chairperson treat you
badly
No matter what the circumstances
are..... No one has a right to treat you like dirt, or call you names. No
matter what. If this happens to you, don't engage. Don't
reply. Send that information to the police and to everyone else that you
have joint contact with. This person should be held accountable for their
actions so that they won’t repeat them to others. There is never any instance where a
professional should treat a victim's family members badly. Ever. You
don't owe them anything and should not allow them to make you feel badly when
you are already going through enough. Even if you started it, they should
be professional and ignore it. You are going through a rough enough time
and need understanding, not a meany beating you down. I am not saying you
have a right to start stuff with someone, just saying that the professional
should not allow for the conversation to progress. This should never be an issue, but sadly it
is.
The MEDIA is a great tool
But don't let yourself become a
mediamonger. A mediamonger is someone whose soul purpose is getting their
story to the media, rather than actually looking for their loved one.
When your goal is having your loved ones story be the most popular, you can
lose a lot of valuable actual searching time. You need those
minutes. Nancy Grace won't give you that time back, CNN certainly
won't. When you worry more about the pose you are making in the picture,
than if the truth of the message is getting to the targeted people (locals who
might know something, law enforcement, and helpful organizations), then you
need to take a minute, regroup and get back on task. If people recognize
you more than your loved one... it's kinda messed up. Focus on the facts... Not
the amount of hits your story gets.
Keep 2-10 notebooks handy
This
advice was given by Susan
Milano, and is another thing I wish I had thought of while I was
searching… There is so much stuff that is in my head,
but never put on paper. I wish it had
been, since I am not perfect, and do forget things often. Keep one by
your home phone, keep one in the
car, keep one near your bed, in the bathroom, everywhere you frequent.
On your desk at work too. The value of having the right name or
location when someone asks, is immeasurable.
Keeping important phone numbers and contact information can be just as
integral to your search as your loved one’s physical description. This
is especially true as the search goes
on…. You forget things, your mind is weary and your heart is heavy. It
can also help the investigator if the
unfortunate ending to your journey is a homicide.
________________________________________________________________________________
You can take these tips or leave them.
They are from my personal experience and had I known, I would have navigated
the "scene" much better than I did. I would not have allowed
myself the frustrations that I endured that I could have been placing on
looking for my mother, rather than petting someone's ego or allowing things to
happen because I was so desperate for help.
I hope this helps some of you with
what you might be struggling with inside, and not sure how to express it or
handle it.
There are so many fantastic
organizations out there and I hope you can get all of the help that is
available to make your journey easier on you. I also hope that you
remember this is not about anyone else, but your loved one. If you keep
your focus you will be ok. Good Luck.
